A year ago I was told not to get my hopes up and just expect the worse. The immense pain and struggle throughout the ordeal would have diminished one's spirit.
Today for the first time after almost a year...I ran.
Faith... determination...inspired by both my angel up there and here on earth...they know who they are...thank you for giving me the courage and strength to persevere...and being my light through the darkest of times. I wouldn't be here if it werent for your existence. I dedicate what i've achieved to you...and i've only just begun.
Wow, not only did he win his rematch with Morales....he knocked the muthafucka OUT! haha! SHiet....Victory is sweet...but Revenge is even sweeter! haha!
On the reals, that gave me some inspiring thoughts on alota shit in life aye? Makes you realise that defeat is only temporary. Now I see defeat as training for a champ. If you've ever watched any karate kid, rocky or van damme movie...a common denominator in each classic story is a part where the hero gets his ass kicked or bullied to a pitiful pulp. Then after a few wax ons wax offs, doin splits on two chairs, or beatin up frozen meat on a hook....the momentous scene comes when its pay back time! If you aint too sure when this is...its usually when the theme song kicks in and you get the cool goosebumps feeling like "Oh man this is it!".
Well I was at a point when life itself just felt like Apollo Creed himself and its just whoopin mah ass. But after a few shots of raw egg...im gettin mah ass up. Straight up I didnt have much hope months ago. The doctor said my halos aint coming off til feb meaning i aint suppose to walk til march or april. Check this. My halos came off in November and I jogged for the first time last week! Thats just one aspect of mah life...im workin on the rest. Imma earn mah theme song moment...in due time.
True heros endure defeat...right Manny?
....cause I truly believe mah middle name is "Balboa"
I was chillin wit my sister today...she moved to a new place in the city and its dope. Lookin out her window and you can see sailboats at the wharf...the cathedral by the park...from the 42nd floor...everyone looked like ants. The sun was out..the sky was a brighter blue...the tops of the trees were a greener green. It was an odd feeling. While I scratched at my leg..feeling where the pins used to be...I stared out the window while my sister eagerly tries to show off her new magnet window wiper which wipes both the inside and outside glass at once...and I felt a sense of contentment. Not about the window wiper...although it is pretty cool...it just hit me...How blessed i was. To be alive, to have learnt from my experiences...met so many people...experience so much...achieved certain goals, and to even have a great sister who travelled 2hours by train just to pick me up and hang out with her while she cleaned her windows and eat thai food at china town.
It was a beautiful day and I dragged my sister upstairs to go for a swim. Shes always been way too chicken to jump in cause of the crazy ass wind up there despite the sunshine...but i needed to do water therapy for my leg. Plus bein stuck indoors most of the time, there was no way i was gonna stay in today. I jumped in the ice cold water while my sis baby sat me and did her yoga stretches. We were pretty high up that when you float on your back and look up the sun..i felt like i was flyin. I swear i woulda stayed like that all afternoon ...if my butt wasnt freezin so bad.
Today.. felt different. Almost forgot what it was like to be happy. Yeah. I think thats what it is.
I've been contemplating about the struggles i've faced and the challanges life has given me and I used to fully get all agro cause I let it affect me so much...ANd let me tell you...I have encountered inumerable trials usually provoked by ignoble individuals who attempt to test mah foundation. I aint gonna front, at times i let that shit shake me...but despite the attempts Im still standing. God knows I get tempted to retaliate or stoop to the same level...ya know the good ol' "if ya can't beat em join em" kinda mentality...but I know deep down it aint me. Oh how sweet the feeling must be to get revenge...to fight back...to take matters into my own hands and create the Karma...
....But its only a short momentous victory. In the long run, justice is sweeter than revenge. I choose to sit silently and accept. Life is my training ground which prepares me for the next level and only time will unravel the true outcomes of each battle. It aint about how a person gets wounded in a single fight... but about the entire conquest. My body might be wounded, my mind tired and my heart maybe broken...s'all good...my spirit is fueled by my faith and by the love from people who i love. Because of my spirit, I am more determined, i see clearer and I know what matters most...and ofcourse I now disregard the shit that no longer shake me.
...So now I sit here patiently healing, learning and gathering strength......Bring it.
Hear ye hear ye...Mary is officially back in the land down under. I must say it was strange leaving manila as the sun was setting (kinda cloudy so not so dramatic as ya might think) and arriving in sydney at 6am when the sun was creeping over the fog and the trees. It was friggin cold i tell ya. But i missed it. Its been almost 5 years since ive had aussie winter and it was literally a breath of fresh air.
My sister was more than happy to have me with her around the airport cause we wheeled pass all the lines at immigration and at customs. The lady who was pushing my wheelchair at the airport was this sweet indian lady named Jean. She started askin me about my leg and she started to tell me that she's a spiritual healer. She uses stones and crystals to heal and she also knows how to balance your shakra. I was like "shakra?!" and if i heard correctly, she said it was the area between your anus and vagina that may cause the imbalance in your life" Oh dear. We had a different name for that area in higschool. hehe...but yeah she was really facinating. She even practices aromatherapy and speaking to angels. Well my sister practices aromatherapy so i got her number. Hey, maybe one day she can balance my shakra.
Being back has been a weird transitions for me. I wanna do sooo much and there are so much to do but with my leg being broken and all, i just gotta be patient and wait til i get better. I wanna work so bad and go back to school. It aint even just about the money, i wanna work cause i wanna preoccupy my mind. Ya know when you're not doin shit squat ya tend to think more and stuff. Too much contemplation can be self destructive at times. Plus I hate not being productive. I feel like i dont exist when i aint doing anything signficant.
In terms of my family and friends, not much has changed. Im thankful that my grandparents are so caring. I swear they worry so much about me. Well consider the recent instances, i dont blame em. Friends wise, im actually surprised that alot of em got in touch with me and some of them met up too. Its cool cause theyre still the same but i gotta admit i feel alil left behind when i hear em talk about work and graduating from uni. My manila life might sound exciting and interesting but coming back here makes me feel so lost. Everyones moved on and grown up. Ive grown up in so many ways through experiences...but i mean responsibility-wise in terms of work, taxes, bills...its a whole different world over here. I had a taste of that in manila from working and having to support myself but that was never long term or stable. I guess its time i get into the grind of things...well once i get better that is.
Yeah, that's my biggest concern right now. Recovery. Its been a worry that my recovery has been quite slow and the healing timeframe is too long as it is. Initially the doctor told me its gonna take 6 months to heal...then just before i left he said maybe 8. Im almost on my 3rd month so that would mean i have between 3-5 more months to go. Not to mention physical therapy - and i heard thats never easy. Ah man... Patience, hope and strength.
Gonna go grocery shoppin with my sis now and RENT dvds. Nomore buying the pirated shit in makati cinema square.... waaaah! =( But just as well, pirating is baaad. hehehe...Were gonna go make Teriyaki Chicken and Hakaw (fresh prawn dumplings). mmmmm...
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Current mood: silly
Had a really strange night last night...reeeaaally strange. Well it was fun actually -maybe alil too fun...but yeah. STRANGE. That's all I gotta say.
was out with thea for the first time last night. It was awesome. The place was practically empty but we didnt care. The vibe was just right for us. The music was DOPE! There were other people there who we wanted to be with and none of those unneccessary people who we didnt wanna see. We were dancing all night...yeah me - dancing! haha! I was doin a whole micheal jackson routine on crutches....it was a crack up. Thea was full on doin crazy robot routines and bustin wade robson shit with Charisse and Sam. Thea and I had to stop and take a breather from laughing so hard. It was cool. Even allstars dropped in and hung out. We must admit we were a tad tripsy but all in good fun. We werent there to show face, or be seen, or to let people know who we know and that they knew us all up in VIP. We werent there to get crunked to do crazy shit and get freaky with any tom jack or harry.
It was mad refreshing. It was kinda like how it used to be before everything became all about status. Im sure it aint all about that but most the time it is nowadays...and im not one to judge or tell other people to live their life at all. Its all about what makes you happy as an individual. Everyone has their own path in life and it just so happens my life hit a crossroad where i gotta choose a different path.
I know I haven't left yet but already i feel the need to make certain changes in order to maintain my sanity. People might find it odd that ive even though i do go out every now and then, ive been kinda keepin it on the "low" to a certain degree - avoiding certain environments and situations...but after all that ive been through this whole year i gotta do what i gotta do to deal wit it all. I did learn my lessons with certain situations and certain people and now i gotta do what i gotta do.
I couldn't get myself to write in this damn thing for the longest time...guess it was the fear of my brain throwing up all over the place. Recovery forced me to pile up a mountain of thoughts, feelings and frustrations over time and its only been two months. I still have 4 more months with this metal on my leg and the hurricane in my head. Well..let me try to write a thing or two without gaggin my brains out...
One thing I was doing was trying to wrap my mind around the whole process of letting go. Letting go of the pain in my leg, in my heart, in my head. The injustice, lies, betrayal, hate, superficial lifestyles...my chest tightens everytime i think back to each trial, each hardships ive been through...not to mention the trials of those people I care about. I keep thinking how unfair it is. Why?! What have I done to deserve all this?! I must bug the shit outta God each day tryin to get answers from Him. But then i realised that the other people who has suffered from this "ordeal" didnt deserve it at all. They are wonderful people who I absolutely care about...It was then I knew that these experiences didn't have to be trials and hardships God gave to us to punish us. Ive learnt to ACCEPT that these are blessings in disguise. Lessons learnt. Strength acquired. Heroes made.
A big part in letting go is accepting things for what it is and rising above it.
Besides that - one must have hope. It frustrates me so much how it takes so much effort for me to just take a shower, go up stairs, or to clean my leg...One time i actually cried TRYING to make spaghetti (dont ask me why in the world i was attempting to cook - yeah im a tad stubborn) cause i kept spilling stuff on the floor and my crutches would slip all over the place coz of it. But no matter how hard things get i try to keep my head up and appreciate what i CAN do and not get so bummed about what I can't. It takes me like 2 hours to clean my leg on my own...but atleast I can do it on my own now. Sometimes I dont sleep til daylight cause i proabably switch positions like 20 times til my leg gets comfy...but atleast I can get comfy now without pain killers...Its such a pain in the butt goin up and down stairs, getting in a car, crutching through a crowd...but atleast I can get up and about now rather than just stayin in all the time goin insane from the isolation. Physical therapy hurts like crazy. When i bend my leg and get my lil bro to push my leg down bit by bit, it feels like my bones break tryin to do it and this aint even the actual physical therapy imma be doin when they take the metal out - heard its even more painful...but the doctor said I can apply 25 ressure on my foot now so atleast I can sorta stand on both feet now. Plus an awesome thing happened to me last night. Well the muscle and nerves on my foot which pulls my big toe up and my whole foot up is partially damaged. Its numb in that area and i couldn't move my toe or my foot up at all. I had an EMG test last week where they had electrical currents go through my leg. They must have zapped me more than 30 times. Its the same feeling when you hit your funny bone REAL hard. Plus they stuck a needle in me like 15 times. I felt the zaps and needles everywhere except for that area in my foot above my toe leading to my shin. I couldn’t feel anything and no matter how much they zapped my leg with mad voltage it wouldn't contract or move. I was scared shitless with the fear of not being able to properly recover. The doctor said there's a chance it might recover but i have to get another EMG next month to see any improvements. Then last night I was on the phone with Thea and i think she said somethin like, "hey girl can you move your toe yet?" and so i tried to wriggle it with ALL my strength...much to my surprise it moved!! It must have wriggled up like just 2 millimeters but it moved! Then i tried movin my foot up...and it moved! like about half an inch! I was goin nuts with excitement. Yeah Baby!!! Hope. hehe..Today when I bent my knee, each painful attempts just made me feel that much closer to getting better. I just have to have faith.
But it aint just about the faith and hope that I have which keeps me going. I owe it to those who has suffered even more to make their sacrifice worthwhile. Each time i bitch and complain about how hard things get, I look up and say sorry to Kuya Jess and Luigi for bein a wuss about it. One thing I learnt is that its ok to cry - but its not ok to give up. Every time I get scared or afraid of facing life...i seek refuge in knowing i'm not alone.
Right now im sorta confused though...A part of me is heaps excited to move back home. Im leavin in a couple of weeks. Heading back to Sydney for good. I miss my sister so much and i can't wait to see my grandparents and relatives. Ive gotten intouch with some of my old friends who I haven't seen in almost half a decade and I psyched to see how they have changed or stayed the same. I miss winter, real milk, frozen yoghurt, crossings where cars actually stop, fresh air, puddles i can jump in, the smell of eucalyptus and freshly cut grass on sunday morning, and what-ya-see-is-what-ya-get kinda people who say what they mean and mean what they say.
But as crazy as it may sound, I will miss this damn place. I already do being home half the time with my broken leg. But I know there are so much about this place ive grown to love..like tuna pies in jollibee, balut, isaw and fishballs. hehe...but its because of this place i got the chance to act, sing, dance, host, play footy, even shmodel! ha! Got heaps to tell the grandkids one day. I met so many awesome people and made great friends from all over the world and from here. They have enriched me with their friendships, support and the experiences and memories I shared with them. I got the opportunity to mend things with my mom and become closer to my family. I acquired a sense of independence, confidence, and strength which I didnt quite have when I was back in Australia.
I aint gonna lie though, im scared to start a new life all over again over there. Change is a scary thing. I know God has prepared me somewhat to face this new life im about to go into but fuck yeah its scary. Im excited and scared all at the same time. The fear of the unknown? Dunno. Yeah i think. I dunno.
For now, I just gotta make the most of each day. I have this new appreciation of life. Ya remember that one scene in interview with the vampire where brad pitt was first bit by tom cruise and he was transforming? His senses were heightened and was lookin at the world through a different perspective with his new vampire eyes, ears and stuff? hehe..yeah weird comparison but its something like that. First time I had a shower after a week confined in hospital, the nurse was laughing watching me shower with the biggest smile on my face. Water on my skin never felt so good. First time I was out of the hospital we were outside the church and while everyone was busy conversing and mingling..i was sittin in my wheelchair with my eyes closed the whole time feelin the sun on my skin and the wind blowin at my face. Sounds a tad cheezy but for real it felt mad good. I aint even gonna start sayin how good it felt to go to the bathroom and shower on my own! First time I got up from my bed, I almost blacked out. Felt so weak. To make it worse I didn't know how to use crutches. Now im a friggin pro! ha! I know these are small accomplishment but nevertheless they are. In my heart its a big step and it gives me a reason to get up in the morning.
Things do get hard and there are times when i just wanna scream and give up. But somehow I can gather the strength to stand up and keep tryin...with the help of those I love and and love me back. They know who they are.
See, told ya my brain is overloaded with all this shit. I didnt even chuck and still managed to write a epic load of crap. Eh. I had to sooner or later. hehe...
“Before embarking on an important battle, a Warrior of the Light asks himself: “How far have I developed my abilities?”
He knows he has learned something with every battle he has fought, but many of those lessons has caused him unnecessary suffering. More than once he has wasted his time fighting for a lie. And he has suffered for the people who did not deserve his love.
Victors never make the same mistake twice. That is why the Warrior only risks his heart for something worthwhile.”
Funny thing about strength, you gotta allow yourself to be exposed to weakness in order attain it. Its a load of bullshit when people just seems to rise above any trial. Why front? Like i said in my "about me" section. what you see is what you get, no added preservatives. People utter words like "im so happy" or "im doin great" yet only a handful can truly mean it. When people ask me "are you happy?" I aint gonna lie. If I am happy then great but if i aint then fak it, im not. if you avoid or run away from problems, i shit you not it WILL happen again til you face it and learn your lesson. But I keep my head high because I am happy and my daily trials keeps me grounded and reminds me that im still alive. I thank God each day for everything he has allowed me to experience and it has trained me to be prepared for whatever he has planned.
Hehee...yeah im in bora right now. Yeah, im crazy bein in an internet place on a friday night over here. Im up here on the net while everyones outside partyin and goin nuts. As much as i wanna, im mad tired. Dont have the strength to stay out late. Some of the girls just called sayin theyre headin to cocomangas right now and some surrendered to the room. Im about to retreat mahself. The gig wore me out plus arrivin here with no sleep. But i must say, the few hours free i had early today was cool. tanned, tried to "swim" (hehee..) and ate chori burgers. But this is the most ive ever been in bora in one year. New Years, Holy Week and then now. But this time around was fully work and around this time EVERYONE needs work. I swear, the things we do for pesos...ha!
I fully reckon that in almost everything in life, one must take a series of steps in order to attain a certain level or achieve a certain goal. A baby gotta learn how to crawl before it walks, then eventually run, jump, skip.... a student gotta go through grade school before high school and then college... in super mario brothers (yeah im kinda old school..hehe) you gotta pass every level before the boss, and then you gotta kill the boss to be able to watch the special ending and the credits with all the japanese names. In my case, there are several steps i had to take in order to overcome certain trials in my life. One of which i have ultimately conquered is gettin over the ex. I knew i was gradually gettin over him..but it didnt hit me until movie night. Yeah movie night. hehee... well first ill let you see me one two step... ...first i had to confront him with what he did. then i had to realise that what he did was fucked up no matter how much i loved him. next was accepting that i dont wanna get back with him. Next is getting used to not having him in my life, next is learning to keep my composure when i see him without crying or getting pissed off. Next is being civil and actually saying hello. Then having the strenght to see him with other girls. Then movie night....he walked over to say sup with some white girl (surprise surprise..haha!) and instantly i wondered if he was gonna introduce me (cause before he never did) But he started introducing her to people and i dont know if he just realised i was there or he really was learning how to be civil but he introduced me...and much to my surprise...i was not the least bit affected. I was pretty shocked to be honest...i seriously thought id feel a slight pang of pain or just be annoyed...but wow...i didnt care. Then i watched the movie, "Closer" with Natalie Portman and Julia Roberts and it was all about love, romance, lust and bein faithful...and it reminded me of the pain of being betrayed...but it didnt remind me of the pain in a bad way but more like a sigh of relief. I kept repeating the thought in my mind that it was such a loss... then i started thinking, it was good when it was good and i thank him for what we shared but im glad im not with a person who is capable of doin that to someone who purely loved him immensely. So yeah, i just finished doin my one two step and im watching the credits with the japanese names. By the way, i just wanna give a shout out to my coolest buddy in the world!...NICK! mwuah! hehee..
Yeah i know its kinda too late to be writing about the new year since its feb but i havent writen anything in hea since i got back.. I cant even fathom the hardships ive encountered last year. My life got flipped upside down. I lost someone I truly loved. And I must say i loved him with all my heart, which made the pain all the worse. I lost a bestfriend. It was a test of friendship and atleast now i know how that person really is. People come and go and for those who remain, i am grateful. All that has happened. It seemed like a really bad dream. I aint gonna front. Those dreams still haunt me till now...but the difference is, i can wake up this time around. So whats my plans this year? Well Like I said, Imma live up to my own words - happiness and success is the best revenge. My life might be hella different now but God has placed me in this path for a reason. I am well aware that it aint gonna be easy, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy. I strive to achieve this year. That i promise. But one thing i know is to never step on others in order to get where i wanna go. I strongly believe in KARMA and what goes around does come around. Im not about to hold a grudge or play God and try to get even with people who hurt me because of bitterness. Imma let a higher force take care of that. Rather than concentrating on other peoples faults, id rather make the effort to be a better person. But i aint gonna lie. The pain still lingers. It still hurts. But rather than letting the pain bring me down, imma use the pain to teach me strenght. Well like i said, it aint gonna be easy...but if its worthwhile.... =)
Yay! Christmas was kickass this year. It was a full on family reunion. See, since i left sydney, my family sorta broke away from the family gatherings and werent as close as before, but for the first time in a long time EVERYONE was there yesterday during Christmas Eve at my Grandmas. It was cool sein everyone all grown up and sein the new generation of kids. I gotta say during my day we were more into the whole "spirit". The lil ones nowadays are hella shy and quiet. We were crazy loud and we had shitloads of fun playin and makin home made firework bombs. Everyone sayin how much i gained weight. Hehehe...but its "looks good" they say. Good fat? haha! I ate soooo much yesterday. Missed my Grandmas cookin so much. I got a fair amount of gifts to my surprise cause i wasnt really expectin. Felt bad cause i didnt get to give gifts to everyone. We have so many new family members and new babies, i had no idea. It was loud, chaotic, messy....it was great. Never realised how much I missed this. Felt kinda bad my mom was all the way in phils with only my brother in the house. I think my aunts visited her but i miss my mom. I wish she was here with us too. Tomorrows Boxin day and its the best day to shop. Cant wait. My luggage is sooooo over the limit. Yikes. Today, mango mojito - mango liquor, bacardi, lime, mint, sugar and soda water. mmMmmMmMm.. Merry Christmas =)
BUtterNana: Banana liquor, Baileys, Butterscotch shnaps....garnished with caramel and straweberries...mmm... Today i opened my eyes and much to my surprise, it was SUNNY! So we were set. We HAD to go to the beach. Went to Bondi beach by bus and i wore my floral frock and pink bikini. hehe...the day called for it. Me and my sis and trevor had the perfect brunch when we got there - fish and chips. Then as soon as our food was settled we hit the sand. Read a book while i tanned with other topless chick. (mind you i almost plucked the courage to join the pack...but like i said, almost.). Then me and my sis hit the water like we were 8 years old all over again. Funny shit. I sooo wish i could swin good cause i was hella jealous when i saw the people surfin. The waves were knarly. hehee...I am sooo tanned now. i swear i get brown fast. Then when we got home we wrapped Christmas gifts and i cooked chicken tacos and as always grace made drinks.. mMMmMm... I was pondering today while i was in the bus how much i missed this life. It might not be the same kinda lifestyle as philippines with the free booze, vip, clubbin, hiphop, hookups, who knows who and who knows you kinda shit...but its can be. But just more. I CAN go clubbin everynight here and get hookups someway but there sooo much more to life here. I actually look forward to waking up when the suns up to the point i cant sleep at night with anticipation. I spend more time with family, i go for walks, i take time to talk to neighbours, or people who chat in the elevator, i see new faces with new perspectives, i go to the park, go to the mall, catch the train, eat somewhere ive never eaten before, go to the cafe and read a book, catch up with childhood friends- who have ALWAYS been there for me despite the distance and the time apart, I eat home cooked meals, fruits, real milk and watch the sunset over the city. I know it sounds real gay but its like a breath of fresh air. Yet, the irony is i actually miss manila. I mean, for sure i miss my family and my closest friends but i should know better than returnin to a country full of bullshit and contraversy. Drama i dont need. Dog asses i dont give a shit about. People i dont trust. Pesos that aint worth didly squat. But miss it. Its this weird magnetic force or maybe curse even which draws me towards it which makes it so hard to be rational. I guess maybe somewhere deep in the midst of all the poo lies some sort of glimmer of hope. Maybe Im just be a plain old fool. Either way, i miss it. If only i could combine my two worlds together... oh wouldn't that be sweet. Oh my, gonna go play Halo2. Peace.
Monday, December 20, 2004
Current mood: sleepy
Yeah, no cocktail for me today. Im at my grandmas house. Had a chicken Kebab with bbq sauce and tabbuleh. Good food - Bad Breath. Hahah! Went mad shoppin today. Found alot of good sales. still not done Christmas shopping. Then i went to mass with my bestfriend Jiggy. Catholic mass this time at my old church. Saw mad people from my past. It was a trip but i didnt bother sayin sup. I hate turnin mass into some social event. Saw my ex's mom there. SHe was so happy to see me. gave her a hug. Then met up with some other old friends and had dinner. Had grilled atlantic salmon. Mad good. But DAmmit i eat too much. Haha! Aye, it aint everyday i get to savour the aussie meals i longed for sooo long. I had soooo much on my mind i wanted to say but i havent slept. Cant think. Hope its sunny by the coast tomorrow. Wanna go to the beach when i go back to the city. Til then....zzzZZzzzzz...
My sis made up this new drink CreamBerry with cranberry vodka midori and cream and she also made me an awesome Orgasm with Contreau, Baileys, a dash or Kahluah, cream blended then topped it off with sumfin new wit swirling chocolate mint sauce and garnished with mint leaves and chocolate shavings. Yeah...yummm.... ANyhoo yeah i havent had much time to write in my blog but the computer here has been stubborn and ive been TRYING to preoccupy myself with good ol productivity. Gym, eating fresh food, real milk, goin for walks, seein the sites, cookin, makin cocktails, Karaoke, eating out, movies, visiting family and close friends, and ofcourse bonding with my sis and her new hubby. I cant believe i have less than a week and four days left. I actually miss manila in SOME sense...but now i recall why i didnt wanna leave sydney in the first place. Yeah i admit ive been drinking alot but it was for experimental purposes. Im glad to be away from the addiction of "social clubbin". Ive only gone clubbin once but it was raining like the clouds had the runs so not much people out except during the day. Ive been craving for the beach but the rain...dammit. Plus after it rains the blue bottle jellyfish are out and about. Plus in the news today, they found some guys remains from a shark attack! Yikes! My prob is tryin to find the right gifts for peeps and not ending up broke before the new year. Hehe....man i wish i was filthy rich so i can get everyone snazzy gifts. But im sure its the thought that counts. But yeah ive been using this time to reflect on ways i can better myself. Rather than dwelling on things that bring me down i wanna concentrate on things that can bring my spirits up and hopefully help others do the same while im at it. Why not? hehehe... I found myself thinkin about the fucked up like straight up FUCKED up things that has attempted to kill my spirits. Why?? I thought....Its messed up how you could fully devote your emotions on loved ones and they use the vulnurability created by the trust. faith, hope....love...and smush it with cruel intentions. Eh. So what now? What can you do? being beat down with immense injustice, all i got left is to get up and let it scab. So theres two ways of seing the end result of a cut. after it scabs it scars. I will never forget the experiences ive faced. But then again, the scar is there to remind me that i HAD a cut...and its healed. I just gotta know better and learn from the first fall. I aint gonna say i wont fall again and people aint gonna try to trip me over but next time around maybe i could try to counter the bitch with an arm bar. So yeah, that life for ya. I just gotta live while I'm alive.
Jaffa?? Kahlua...Contra...and Baileys... yummm Ok I fully wrote a long ass entry and the bloody thing shut off and i lost the whole damn thing. So imma give the quick version of my day. Uhmm....went to fitness first to inquire. I sooo need to work out. Then i visited my sister at work and she fed me Buffalo wings. Then we went grocery shoppin.. Then we chilled for a bit then went to a Korean place and had kick ass food while we listened to cute Korean music. Worth the 30 minute wait for a table. After that we ran into her gay friends named Major and Chris and some chicks named Amanda and Kate or something. They were a fun bunch. We drank abit at Pavillion HOtel and went to some red neck bar called Scruffy Murpheys...Never would have guessed from the name huh? hehehe.... Funny though, i had to go back to the apartment and get my ID. Good thing its just around the corner from everything. Then they started playing hiphop so we started goin off on the dance floor. The white folks seemed stunned. "will ya look at that caramel coloured native bouncing around." mad funny. Major was such a diva. Then they played Billy Jean and it was OVER! I was goin nuts and noone understood what the big fuss was about. I didnt mind. It was good enough that I knew it was a classic. So Yeah...thats the jitz of it. Not bad. So yeah lights off for me! hehehe...
Yep yep, mary is officially down unda! hehe...yeah i arrived here in sydney tuesday(yesterday) and man is the weather awesome or what! Can't wait to hit the beach. I havent gone out much coz i was tryin to catch up on sleep. But One thing thats been constant is my sister's cocktails. She's a bartender so she was heaps excited to let me try her mixes. YEsterday was SPLICE DAY. It was midori malibu and cream. sooo good. Then she gave me a shot of Quick Fuck. TOday was CORVETTE day. NOt really sure what's in it but it tasted like hazlenut and strawberries. pretty good too. hehehe...so much for detox. Yeah all ive done is hung out. Visited my grandparents today in the suburbs. Made maaaad food. HUng out with my cousins too. Crazy how much they've all grown up. I guess our scooter days are over. One thing i was glad i did was drink REAL milk. MIlk in the Phils aint the same. And ive been snackin heaps on fruits. I think im gonna make my sister dinner tomorrow. Oh im sooo glad that they got a pool in this building. has a pretty nice view of downtown city. I need the exercise baaad. Plus i really gotta learn how to swim. Luckily enough they got a fitness first across the road but im worried that its gonna cost me. So yeah, that's it so far in my first two days here. Still settling in. My pinoy lungs are still adjusting to the clean air. Soon enough il post some pics. Yay!
Oh my gosh i gained 8 whole pounds in a matter of 2 weeks!! Seriously. I gotta do something about this! haha! I just had north park. There is NO food at home. So weird coz ive been givin my momma money to buy food but all the fridge had was left over canned food. Well i tried to compensate by orderin sweet and sour lapu lapu with vinegar tofu. But i had heaps to eat today at work. Atleast i got good left over to look forward to when i wake up. heehee.
Anyways. Had the weirdest shoot today. They fully gave me a time warp look. Plus to top it off i had to cry and smile at the same time! I was heaps worried last night that I'm gonna buckle. Scared that i wasnt gonne be able to get in the zone and cry but thank goodness for Oprah! hahaha! Watched the most poignant episode about this little boy who died. Bravest kid ive ever seen. So the shoot was actually only 30 mins. The hair and make up took 2 hours! haha! Man the shit I do for money. Eh!
Yeah, I gotta save up real quick. Gotta visit my sis soon. with so much goals Ive set for myself, I gotta get crackin. No time for shananigans. hehe... for real. No foolin around no more. I just wish i could do more...work more...earn more.
But its crazy. Been gettin mad sick from pushin myself too much. Got a bad cough, lost my voice, had a fever for how many days and eventually i gotta get my wisdom tooth out. Man, do i sound like my gramma or what?! hehe.... Do you ever listen to your gramma talk to other grammas compare about the aches and pains they got. hehe...sheesh im gettin old. I need a vacation.
I also need a haircut. My hairs gettin way too long. I need a new look. Wouldnt mind a tub of yoghurt either. hahaha! mmMMm...
Im so tryin to fight the temptation of re openin the np container and pick on the fish and tofu. See what I mean?! Man, i so gotta box tomorrow.
Which reminds me, i better sleep. Night night world. See ya when the suns up.
Do you believe in signs? I went through a phase when i didn't want to believe. I purposely ignored signs hoping that the ignorance would spare me from the harsh realities of life. But the priest said something a few sundays ago that only really sunk in just now..."People usually say 'I gotta see it to believe it'...but the secret is - IN BELIEVING YOU WILL SEE MORE."
Those words changed my life. In so many ways. How? Well there are a lot of signs that has been popping up out of no where thats been givin me the red or green flag. Some come literally and some makes me sit back and think what it means.
This might seem like a weird example but i was lookin through some pics Nick took of me last night at V. I was convinced that i was gettin chubby but it aint THAT bad. I looked at ALL of the of the pics and daym....how much more of a wake up call do i need? I was mad chunky! hahaha! I got weighed at the clinic today and I gained 8 pounds in 2 weeks. Crazy. Red Flag on junk food. Green Flag on gym and muay thai.
As much as I wanna get into details about "Other" Signs in my life, I shouldnt. I dont wanna use this as a blog as sword but as a sponge. All i can say is that noones perfect. Everyone stumbles and falls. What distinguishes the weak from the strong is who faces their struggles and gets up.
Ok im done regurgitating my mind. What have I been up to? Yeah I havent been on this for so long. Been trying to keep busy. Both work and recreaction. Just trying to make money for certain goals i have set for this year and for next year. But besides that i still balance it all by livin my life. Went to the alicia keys concert and I was sittin there with Sheena in tears singing along to her songs. I swear she made eye contact! HAHA! And the guys were so bloody lucky coz they were picked to meet her. But they felt bad coz i hooked em up with the tix and Im sooo much more of a fan so they called me up and had her say hi and they got her to sign my ticket for me. I was satisfied. I was humming all the way home.
My group HAYLO had our first performance here in Manila just last week and i was nervous like crazy. I mean we only had less than a week to practice 2 new songs a routine and find sub for one of our members. But thank God, we rocked the house. Well thanks to our loved ones and their support we had crazy fun. I love performing. I mean, even the whole nervous feeling gives me this awesome rush. Then once youre up there you just hear the music and its like you're under a spell where you just zone in. Then right after you have this a crazy adrenalin pump that ya gotta just dance it off!! It's quite addictive.
So yeah, i realised what i gotta focus on and what NOT to focus on. Im sure il fall and stumble again but as long as i learn from it then its all good. So much to do...So much to do...
Different people have different vices...and the saying is quite true... "Old habits die hard." ...lets take mine as examples....
Smoking. I know its bad for ya. I grew up in Australia where health campaigns are constantly pushed in schools and TV. There was this one commercial where they squeezed a smoker's artery and all this gunk came out. It was heaps graphic. But since 11th Grade I havent stopped. I would have if i stayed back home where Im less stressed and its 10 dollars a pack unlike here where its only a dollar and a 5 year old can buy it from a vendor.
Junk Food. Everyone i know knows how much i love food. I hate the diet theory. I would rather do more so i can eat more. But one thing i gotta learn is to eat tolive and not to live to eat. It would be coo if the food I eat most of the time is healthy. But junk food is everywhere and its cheaper. I have mcdonalds or pizza hut atleast 2 or three times a week. Last week i had 5 slices of pizza in one go! It was a vegetarian pizza but it dont make no difference. Pizza is pizza.
Goin out. Ever since the breakup I loath being home. It was torture lookin around in my room where almost everything reminded me of him. Pictures, clothes, music, gifts, movies.. I had to be out and somehow distract myself from the pain in my chest. So i was always out. I was never addicted to drinkin. I get hella drunk every now and then but music, dancing and lotsa people was sufficient enough to get my mind off things. The alcohol was just there. alot. But i didnt need it.
Renz. From the times when things were already starting to go downhill, i shoulda known better and just accepted that it wasnt workin out. But i didnt wanna give up. I wanted to keep tryin. I kept tryin even though all the signs told me to leave myself some dignity and stop. And it came to the point where it did stop. But straight up, i admit i do get the temptation to call or text him which i do sometimes and it gets me nowhere. If anything I should be the one pushing him away, but me and my foolish ways...
There are lots of things in my life that i know aint good for me and its not gonna get me anywhere yet i keep going. I keep hoping. But i get this feelin im just foolin myself that its ok even though deep down inside it aint.
Well the last few days i was starting to shake off old habits. I started working out, kick boxing, finding work, stayin home, being more emotionally independent...i could say me myself and mary and not feel bitter and angry at the world. But i keep gettin tested. I keep gettin shaken. Put to the test. I slip and fall every now and then.
But i need to get up. Just like my stupid cramp. Stretch it and get the fuck off the puddle.
Im addicted. I have this new high. addicted to what?
Independence.
It struck me today after a real hard muay thai session. I had a crazy 3hour training today. After leaving my trainer's place, i walked down the street. It was 8pm and it just finished raining and the village was empty. I looked down and i noticed that my jeans were draggin on the ground so I reached down to roll it up. Then FAAK! All of a sudden my whole left calf muscle cramped up! I always get cramps but this time was different. It was so bad that it felt like i got stabbed in the leg. I fell to the ground with dead weight. i was paralysed with pain. I couldnt move. Even if i wanted to reach over to stretch my leg, my back pack pinned me down. i looked around in panic. Noone. I was sittin there in the puddle crying in pain...all alone. Noone was there and noone knew i was there. The thought that i was all alone was worse than the pain.
Why is this happening to me? And the worse part is that im all alone!...Then i said to myself "so what are you gonna do about it?!" Thats when i realised Im not alone. I got arms. Im still alive. I got Him.
I took a deep breath and willed myself to take off my back pack and reach over my foot which was curled up in a weird shape from the pain. Ignore the pain. This aint shit. Just stretch it out. Its that simple. Youre gonna get up. ....after 5mins my muscles relaxed and slowly i rolled up my pants and got up. Then the weirdest thing happened. I started laughing at myself. I did it... i told myself what i had to do and i did it despite being all alone. Wow.
I know it might seem at tad unrelated to the ish that ive been through but just think about it. If i could will myself to get up all by myself from a situation such as that...why not with everything else. Plus i remembered that renz used to be the one who stretched my cramps out. hehe
Today i knew i was alone in some sense, but its ok. It feels liberating. So what more that i still have some people out there who are always there for me. Either way i can do it.
So when i got home i scrolled down the texts i received from people who have been wondering why i havent been goin out or why they havent seen me much. Not really running away from them. I think by goin clubbin and goin out too much i was running away from reality and its possibilities..not the other way around. But ofcourse there has to be a balance and i will try to maintain that yin and yang as much as i can by doin my best to achieve my dreams and still have fun with out having to step on anyone or turning my back on the people who matters.
Im sitting here in my room knowin that the people i usually chill with are all out. But its ok..ill see em soon. until then...tomorrows a brand new day.
Ok...im gonna take it a step at a time but i think today is the day i dont wanna be vague anymore. I wanna be straight up. I dont know if its some withdrawal syndrome from tryin to be "strong" or im just regurgitating what i feel. Either way i gotta get it out of my system...
I feel robbed. I do. Like robbed in the middle of makati ave and not only do they take my wallet and my cellphone but my shoes too. AND it starts to rain.That lil analogy is a mere depiction of how i feel. If i multiplied it by 100 it could come close....to half way.
I know it sound a lil over dramatic but for once, i wanna be. Its about time. Im tired of "being the better person". Keeping all this shit inside is eating me alive. Trying to act like its ok...like im suppose to accept the fact that the LOVE OF MY LIFE breaks my heart AND doesnt just stop there but also decides to ruin my life while he's at it. ITS NOT FAIR!
I feel robbed from being with the person i thought i was gonna spend the rest of my life with. I feel robbed from the respect i deserved knowing that i gave so much respect. I feel robbed from the attention i craved from him, even just an endearing glance would have matched the endless attention i gave him in a day. I feel robbed from the trust we shared which was abused and taken advantage of. I feel robbed from the affection i sought from him when lil did i know he was too distracted to notice. I got robbed from a friendship. I got robbed from the benefit of the doubt without any self defence. I got robbed from love.
Despite the crime, i was willing to rise from the rubble of stumbling rocks and tried to use them as stepping stones. The pain was so severe that even til now i cant breath from the thought. But i couldnt just give up on him. I hardly ever give up on the people i love. And i know that the reason why it hurt like hell is because i did love him. So we tried....
But it made me feel really uncomfortable. When he tries to hold me, i recall the pain. And i cringe. But deep down, i wanted to hold him back. But i couldnt do it. So i needed time to think about it all and maybe abit more time to heal because i didnt wanna give up.
But amidst this time of being apart, a huge misunderstanding happened which derived from over analysing based on frustration, paranoia, and thoughtless rage. This is the part of being robbed in makati ave when its starts to rain.
The ironic part that really hits me is that certain accusations are made that i was the one who caused pain by disregarding love and friendship. Its so ironic i wanna laugh from the pain. If only they listened to the truth besides themselves, they would realise that at the end of it all, who really disregarded love and friendship?! Who really turned their back on who?! Stupid me to not keep trying to fix shit with them all by myself! ...Right.
Oh but before one reacts... Im not sayin so just to point fingers - but to laugh at the fuckin IRONY!
Ha.
But its all good. They have their safety nets. Other people they can be with. Other places they can go.... Im still here. Imma stand my ground. People feel awkward to be around me now to "avoid drama". Well so be it.
But i refuse to change. Id rather adapt. Like i said in my last blog, ive taken my first step to being emotionally independent by not relying on external aspects to keep me goin. Me myself and i. Anyone who wants to be there for me are more than welcome to go for the ride. If not then just as well. This is my second step. Takin out the garbage. Too much garbage attracts maggots that feed off rotten leftovers. Cant have that. So i had to do this...which I dont do too often.
So here I am. Sitting in my bed, a tad vegged out from idiotbox overdose but i cant live with out ETC and MTV. I have no idea whats to come out of all of this. I dont even know what my next step is. Well i know along the way, i wanna get my life back on track. I need to aim and shoot.
But i aint gonna lie. Despite the anger and the intolerable pain i feel, i think about loved ones. I can never turn my back on those i love, nor do i lose faith or hope. I still have compassion. I think about the times we shared and the times we could be sharing right now...But the injustice is overwhelming.
One step at a time i guess....
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Current mood: rejuvenated
Damn that fool moon. Yeah fool moon. The lunacy always catches up with me. But it’s not something I loath. I embrace the insanity coz for once I’m actually making more sense. It might not make a lot of sense to you right now but I don’t care. I don’t care anymore.
Everyday I care. Everyday I’m concerned…because of that, Everyday I think. Everyday I feel. It reminds me that I’m still alive. But even though everyday I cared and everyday I was concerned, nothing good came out of it. So I start to THINK about my horrible fate. Then all I FEEL is pain. I don’t feel alive at all.
The moon has this ability to alter the tides. Changes occur. But just because I said I don’t care anymore, it don’t mean that I’m trying to run away from my problems. Not my style. I just decided to start caring about the other things in life which REALLY matters.
I had a taste of my emotional independence today. Just a taste. I still got a long way to go. It’s kinda hard coz when ever my wounds would start to heal, life sneaks up behind me like a tricky bastard and rips the scab right off again. Then again, someone once told me that the amount of pain God puts you through reflects on the amount of strength you have. Hmmm… Well, thanks I guess… I’ll take that as a compliment.
On my way home...sitting in the cab i started thinking. SOmething i do alil too often. My way of torturing myself with my own thoughts...a tad sadistic yes, but self pity..no. I think about the trials ive faced this whole year and most wonder how in the world do i stay sane. Little do they know that sending myself to the loony bin has been well over due. I guess supression is emotional suicide but what can ya do? I got a nack for it. I think im beyond the whole "it could be worse" phase. Certain days ive learned to accept that shit happens...just a whole shitful in my case, but yeah it does happen. ALthough, there are certain nights, more often than not, where i would just lie in bed and feel the pang of injustice..... and its killing my spirit. It still baffles me how in a snap of a finger my life is turned upside down with out warning. The helplessness is so frustrating its like trying to swim against the current up a waterfall. But i haven't got much of a choice but to just "learn from the experience". Im tryin to fight the temptation of believing that there are very few people who i could truly love and not get fucked over in the end. As it seems, i don't know who are REALLY there or JUST there. Keep you head up. Keep your heap up. Keep your head up. Who am i kidding? Snap out of it. No for real. Keep your head up.
i know that everything happens for a reason...but oh God....whats goin on?!? I dont even have the strenght to entail the specific reasons to why i feel this way but one day i will. All i can say is that my life has flipped upside down. A part of me feels so helpless that i just wanna give up and say fuck it. But i would be bullshittin mahself if i believed that. I cant just say fuck it. Especially when i know i had no bad intentions or did anything wrong. The injustice is beyond slow death... .."The Warrior of the Light never forgets the old saying: The good little goat doesn't bleat. Injustice happen. Everyone finds themselves in situations they do not deserve, usually when they are unable to defend themselves. Defeat often knocks at the Warrior's door. At such times, he remains silent. He does not waste energy on words, because they can do nothing. He knows it is best to use his strength to resist and have patience, knowing that Someone is watching. Someone who saw the unnecessary suffering and who will not accept it. That Someone gives him what he needs: time. Sooner or later, everything will once more work in his favor. The Warrior of the Light is wise; he does not talk about his defeats." -p71 Warrior of the Light, Paulo Coelho.
Its strange how the truth alters depending on perception. People disregards reality in order to believe what they wanna believe. It feels as though im trying to walk through a brick wall. the feeling of being helpless is like not being able to breath. The ironic thing is that even though certain people allows themselves to listen to a different truth from theirs..its too late. The poison is in the veins. Damage has been done...and for what?.... so much ashes. Knowing that there was no fire makes it burn more.
I'm at this point in my life where i really gotta wonder....what now? In everything. Well i guess i should start with life. What now? I mean it aint like im disregarding the blessings God has given me and the trials he has used to teach me strenght. Its just that in terms of having a certain direction in life i've been alil uninspired. I appreciate everyday that im alive but at the same time i find myself waking up at times feeling lost. How is HAYLO gonna work out? Am i gonna just keep relying on gigs and commercials to support myself? When am i goin back to school? Is Philippines doin me any good or should i go back to Australia? Will i ever be financially stable and still enjoy what im doin? hmmm... In terms of friendship....well, since alot of my friends aren't from here...they come and go. My bestfriends will always be my bestfriends. But its just hard to keep myself sane when my close friends arent gonna be here for long and the ones who are here are only my friends to a certain point. I don't blame em though coz their busy with their own lives and i should be able to stand on my own two feet. But its kinda hard when im still adjusting to the whole single life. which brings me to my next point. Relationships. Having gone through what i went throuogh, its a surprise that im still capable of being civil around the "ex". But its coming to a point where i sense as though hes given up on trying to win me back. Well i understand that it aint easy coz he knows that im still too damn hurt to even think about getting back with him as of now...but now it seems as though it might not even happen anymore. SLowly im starting to get a different vibe from him that tells me that he's content with the way things are. Well what can i do....I guess im still confused. Confused. Heck yea. What now?
I guess now i'm coming to a point in my situation when im realising alot of things. The way certain people react to certain situations can say alot more than what they say they would do if it happened. Thats too bad.
Really, sometimes i just wanna scream out with the top of my lungs and ask anyone and everyone "What the heck do you think of me?! Coz honestly, i don't care anymore!!" It sucks that just because i have certain values and I'm stereotyped as a good person, immediately im suppose to just sit in the corner and not live my life or else i'll be judged by those who know me. But do they really know me?? COz if they really believe that i am a good person then why assume and put me under a microscope. You don't gotta be a perfect person to be a good person. You don't gotta be pure to be a good person because God created us to make mistakes in order to be a better person. I say, rather than concentrating on finding the imperfections in others, why not trying to deal with their own first. I guess it might be scary to think that you're the only one with impurities so seeking impurities in others is a morbid reassurance that someone is just as bad or worse that you. Well when it comes down to it, there's noone better or worse than another person. If we took a crap, there's no escaping it, everyones shit stinks. So flush.
my computer is hella pissin me off and i would just like to share that with the world. Wrote a dope ass blog and the friggin thing shuts down on me...waaaah! but anyway...startin to realise alot more about whats best for me...so far, i know that rather than tryn to please other people all the time, gotta stop neglecting myself actually start being mah own bestfriend. Fack im corny.
Its strange how sometimes you never really know people...after the ish i went through...i learned that that saying "never judge a book by its cover" don't fuck around. It totally blew my mind when i realized that sometimes the people you least expect to be a certain way END UP that certain way. I mean look at me, The way i was goin with school before i figured that I would be graduating along with my bestfriend jiggy by next month...but instead im here in Philiipines doin what i NEVER expected 2 be doin and goin BACK to college 3 YEARS LATER. my oh my. WHo'd figure. Same goes with everything else in life. Those who you would think would least hurt you ends up doin so.....and vice versa. Go figure.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
How do we really know when things are gonna be ok? Is it really gonna be ok? Or is it just a state of mind and it all depends on our own perception of reality? Coz im honestly hallucinating. Or am I? Fack. When bad things happen in your life, it seems more of a reality. Unlike when something good actually happens...it seems surreal. I guess I'm not much of an optimist. Well this year has been quite eventful for me. On some occasions i find myself screaming "shit-cock-balls!!" and at times...i am given the chance to breath a sigh of relief. Well right now I sigh whilst muttering shit-cock-balls under my breath... I could attempt to get specific with the reasons WHY im sitting on the fence...but i wouldn't know where to start. I know i know...you're probably sitting infront of your computer reading this right now and whether i know you or not, you're probably wondering what the fuck im goin on about. Trust me, I'm doin you a favor by not drowing you with the whole bitter sweet tragedies of my life. Life...school...family....friends...work....LOVE...and all the other ingredients that makes the brew we digest each and every day which keeps us alive... I guess this is the product of my impulsiveness...i have this habit..nah...more of an illness of acting on what my heart tells me. It doesn't mean that i'm an irrational person. I'm just a philosopher with her heart on her sleeve. Well that's the thing with philosophy...the key to it are not the answers we may find but the questions we ask. So here i am sittin on the fence asking unanswered questions....whats right and whats wrong?....good?....bad?...love?...hate?....stop?...go?....sigh...shit-cock-balls.
Crazy typhoon today, had a gig at Westin Philippine Plaza Hotel and it had the view of the ocean and the waves were rollin while the coconut trees danced in the rain all day. We had to act out Kill Bill in some Corporate Party. Did the whole action scene with samurai swords and stuff...pretty cool. Got some new lethal skills. Ha! It just sucked bein there early in the mornin considerin the night we had before that... It was a pretty eventful night i must say. I mean, gosh...before last night, had dance practice, ran erands, and...had a "dinner" with Renz. It was just dinner...but i ain't gonna lie, it felt like a date. Wore mah new Dorothy shoes and got all purty...well not just for him but for myself. Had Shawarma. MMmmMm...it was nice spending time with him, but the pain still lingers. Bitter Sweet it seems. I'm starting to think i'm slightly sadistic, finding pleasure in pain. But it seemed worthwhile. He was leaving for Hong Kong the next day. Missed the movie so hung out a bit at Dustins then Vbar but he didn't stay long. For the first time in a looong time i hugged him before he left. Bitter sweet...bitter sweet. it was Kats despedida at V...I gotta admit, I'm pretty bummed that i didn't get to spend much time with her during her last two weeks..but we tried makin it up to Ka-Hato last night. Yeah, she's a strange breed but i will definitely miss her. So yeah, much to my surprise, it was an alright night. Nice to see old and new faces and not just the usual social crowd...How quick the scene exceded its expiration date. Usually the same faces, same music doin the same shit every week. To see and be seen. Who you know and who you want to know. Guys out fishin while girls take the bait. Alcohol. Cigarettes. Dancing to the same beat, almost cult-like. At times i would just stop, amidst the sweaty crowd and look around to wonder as jack nicholson did in the movie......"is this as good as it gets?" ...even though every week seems like dejavu......lately everything seems to be jumbled up in the typhoon....well, we're definitely not in kansas anymore.
Its funny how people have certain ways of dealin with life... I'm tryin to imagine someone else in my shoes and having renz do what he did to me to that person....some people wouldn't care less and move on to someone else...some people would be hella hurt and seek ways to hurt back. But what happens when you got to that point where you truly love a person and THEN they hurt you?... You're assed out...you cant quite just move on because if you truly love someone, you can't just disregard what yall been through despite any pain...but at the same time...the fact that the love is so great, that the pain is even greater. That's messed up. That means that if you wanna get away with fuckin someone up, you fuck with someone who loves you with all their heart. You're sure to get away with it. Like ive heard so many times....Good people die young. Then again...how do you distinguish whats "good" anymore...coz honestly i don't know anymore. Well, he's been REALLY trying to be a part of my life now. Comes over to see me, calls me, texts me...even bought me medicine when i was really sick. But i can't help but be puzzled... nah...actually be pissed off...NOW, AFTER he's done his dirty deed, he's gonna come back to me. I love him more that anyone could ever imagine....but i got enough dignity left to know that i can't just be waiting for him to sort out his mess and when he's ok, imma be there with open arms like nothing happened. I owe myself more respect than that... ...i love you...but i hate you...but i love you...but...
Who woulda thought....i'd ask laurence to come and hang out with me. Well I didn't really invite him, he just mentioned that he was gonna visit my neighbours and if i was home he was gonna say sup...but ken and them went out so i told renz that they werent home but he can still drop by if he wanted. And he did. But it didnt feel right havin him chill with me at home so we went out for coffee....yep. I rode in his car. The same car "she" rode in. I had to pluck up the strenght to not give a shit. Trying to ignore the thoughts that kept echoing in my mind. Then when we were talking i couldn't help but admit to him what i wrote in my last journal entry...how much i miss the life that i had with him. Thats's a pretty big thing coming from someone he hurt so much. I guess that's my weakness...following my heart a little more than i should. It scared me having done what i did because what if this guy hasn't learnt his lesson? What if hearing how much i miss him make him go back to his old ways, and start takin me for granted again. Can't really blame me, i too was trying to fight back my old ways. I even called him "Be" by accident. Oh gosh. Then he started telling me about his plans to leave the country to try his luck somewhere else. I don't know if that's him being selfish again, but i don't even think it occured to him that the life he wishes to find is a life away from me. Then again, being bugged about it means i'm being selfish too. I understand that he feels as though his life here is not really gettin far and i wouldn't want to hinder him from achieving his dreams. So i just sat there sipping my hot mocha and told him "...what ever makes you happy.." Then we went and picked up Joriel and Pat to go eat Kebabs. While we were there, i told him about this nice kebab place that makes good lamb shawarma and i remembered that he liked lamb. I told him if he wasn't busy tomorrow, i'd take him there. He had a confused look on his face. I was like "Why watsup?" and he just told me he was caught off guard. Didn't expect it. He figured that i was still mad at him. Well ofcourse i am. Well maybe mad aint the word anymore, but were far from being close at this point. You can't erase something as tragic as that from someones life. And trust me, i miss him so much i wish i could. The love i have for him is far beyond anything ive ever felt towards another person. I guess that's why i still yearn for his presence despite the immense pain that still lingers in my chest and all the thoughts that fuck with my head. So now I'm home and I'm starting to think long and hard about what has just happened. How the past has the ability to haunt you...but i don't know what's even more scary, what's already happened or what's yet to come...
I haven't been myself lately...partly because my life has made a turn to a different road since the breakup. I honestly dont like this so-called new life. The madness is too much for me. I admit that people must be gettin weirded out coz i haven't been the same Mary, that even I'm weirded out. I woke up today realizin that this is not the life i want. I miss the life i had with laurence when i was close to normal. Then again, its bein with him and that ish he put me through thats made me this way. I miss him....and my life has been so scattered ever since we broke up. Even if a guy came along, he might seem harmless but then later you realize that its JUST AN ILLUSION. God, if the most perfect guy i know was capable of hurting me this much, what more for anyone who comes along. so I've decided that I just wanna concentrate on my life and not be involved with relationships for a VERY long time. Bein in relationships or attempting to get in one KILLS BRAIN CELLS.
Yeah its been a while. So much has happened since the last time i wrote and i don't even know if i have the strenght in me to recall every horrific detail. Well, its official. Me and renz are over. The biggest heartbreak in my life because i never expected it and God knows that i truly felt that he was "the..."....hmm. Without getting too specific, let me just say that it makes me wonder why things are the way they are. I guess i wouldn't be so hurt if i too inflicted that much pain on him aswell and there was some sort of unspoken mutual understanding of how things are. But there wasn't....and now i'm left stuck in this void. Im too angry and hurt to get back with him but at the same time i can't seem to move on because i can't picture being with anyone else. Hows that for a predicament. It would be so much easier for me to just get on with my life if he was a total asshole but he wasn't. I'm not gonna disregard the good qualities i saw in him during the 3 years i was with him. So yeah, he has made attempts to try to prove that he has realised what he has lost. It took him to lose me to appreciate me. He tells me that he will always be here for me waiting and that he is never going to give up...Straight up, i want to believe it. But it seems too much like a fairytale. It's not like in the bedtime stories where good things happen to good people. In my reality, the more love you give, the more ya get hurt. I figured, it was worth the risk. But he believed otherwise. So who knows how its gonna be. "Never say never" i told myself but the pain is so immense that it might aswell be. The key is that its not.
Hmmm...by golly its been a while. Yeah So much sh*t has happened since i last wrote. Eventful things i might add. Well without getting into too much details, let me "cut to the chase"...I've realized alot more about guys and i've been naive for far too long. You never really know a person sometimes and its scary. Then again it goes for all of us. Also i realized that i've lost myself..all this time i was mad at someone for taking me for granted by getting too comfortable when the whole time, in my own way, i was getting too comfortable too. Comfortable in a sense that i've let go of myself and became an emotional parasite. It's fakin pathetic. So yeah...I'm using this time alone for myself to find myself. I took a leave of absence due to a traumatic experience which i put onto myself. So now I'm taking one sem off and not working all that much has really been hard on the mind. I'm goin locco. I did work and did some tvc's but that shi*t takes forever to pay...until then I'm screwed. I hate this feeling. So i've been preoccupyin mah time goin ova the "Black Hole". Its mah friends apartment where the "realworld" family hangs out. hahaha! I stand as the queer aunt. I gotta love em...but daym...TV....Left over pizza...sleeping in... I need to get up. I need to get up. I need to get up. Lesson learnt: Soda, chocolates, chips, pizza, burgers....can somebody get me a glass of water?
...yeah, i don't feel so great...caught a cold and i couldn't get much sleep..you know how it is when you sleep on one side, then one side of your nose gets blocked so when you try to change postitions, it gets blocked on the other side. yeah. that. I don't like it when I'm sick coz i lose my patience pretty easily...I didn't really wanna be around people today. I feel bad coz i told renz not to come over anymore...as much as i wanted him around...i know I'm just gonna end up taking it out on him. I would much rather avoid him than get grumpy at him. Well actually i wouldn't mind having him around right now but not only is it mad late, i doubt he woulda had the patience to take care of me. Anyway he's not really the lovey dovey type...although he does try. He's more of the practical boyfriend. He'll show his love through practical and useful means like driving me to where i gotta go and spotting me when im outta cash. But to be honest, i still can't get used to that. Call it pride. I dunno. I'm just not the type to sponge off my bf. If i had any other options i would take it. He's actually the first bf who had a "financial advantage" over me. The guy i was with before him was a MAJOR scrub. I can't believe i fell for that shit and to make it worse he cheated on me! ha! That's life for ya! So yeah, I'm not complaining though, i TOTALLY appreciate his efforts and for providing me with what i need...But what do i need? That's what gets me. Money is a resource that can deplete. It comes and goes depending on work, opportunities and so on. So i guess im worried that he shows his love through the means of a resource in risk of depletion. Coz to be straight up, im not that helpless. I can find ways to get around and survive...what i DO need are the things that i can't provide for my self. Like hugs, kisses...texts just to say i love you and i miss you...and other unmentionable emotional and PHYSICAL kinds of intimacy. Daym, if i can give all that to myself and be satified, who needs men. But i can't. Well i sorta can but only to an extent. People need people. There's no way of erasing the evolution of man and how they managed to create -relationships- since the dawn of time. I'm babbling. Am i making sense? Or maybe I'm just looking for some attention from him. I can get like that when im sick...sniff...sniff. Lesson for today: A spoonfull of sugar makes the medicine go down. {Mary}
Today I was asking myself alot of questions...Ya, i was sitting through traffic today pondering about the itsy bitsy questions that i don't need to think about but nevertheless it exists. I kinda put renz on the spot again today. I know... I know... Asked him about what might happen if i finish my studies in Sydney. Its a scary thought for me but i always wondered if it had the same effect on him. He always seemed so casual about it...I'm not sure if its practicality or carelesness...Well i sure can't assume but i wonder. Well, i know it aint gonna be easy considering our past issues with long distance relationships...and relationships in general.... 2 years...wow...man...its in the not so distant future, but i gotta remind mysef that its still "distant". I still gotta finish my studies here. Even that is hard enough as it is. So yeah, one step at a time........but at the same time i don't wanna stumble blindly into the future. Lesson for today: Why choose candy over water when there's Tang. {Mary}
for some strange reason, its so hard to hold on to your focus in life. I've been hella slackin' off at school, I'm finding it so hard to motivate myself. I mean yeah I'm more positive now but in terms of focus in school....Ive been hella sluggish. Can you believe that last sem I had class mon til sat, four ucles subjects and four finals with four term papers and i did ALL of it and did it pretty well! And that was the phase when i was smoking out alot. Now, i only have 2 ucles subjects, mon to thurs class and i haven't really been smoking out all that much, or goin out too! Plus i just came back from Days. It's so weird. Gotta shake this off....grrr! Lesson for today: well whattayaknaw....shaken, not stirred. {Mary}
Monday, February 23, 2004
....So i bet you're wondering what happened at Days? hehee, well, you're gonna have to go to find out! =) Yeah i know I seem to be in a better mood. Well i am. I have a whole new perspective on life. I mean its not like I'm a totally different person now, I just.... see things in a different light. The hardest part is going back to the real world and having to put myself to the test. I mean, i'll still have my trials and tribulations but i just feel more empowered. It's a really weird feeling, i should add, because ive always been scared to allow myself to be positive because "what ever goes up must come down"....then again... it doesnt matter either way anymore.....if you're prepared to deal with it. Naksh! heehee... So yeah, i wanna take this time to thank those who was involved. Yall know who you are!! Even though theyre not on myspace, its the thought! =) Love yall. So i guess im gonna send this message to the sceptics of Days. Well, to be honest, I'm not gonna convince anyone to go. If its youre time then its your choice =) All i can say is the truth. I didn't know if i wanted to go but it was the sacrifice i was willing to take. You know me, my weekend is very precious to me. Its MY time to work, have time alone or spend time with my loved ones. Ironically, i did all three...sorta... Like i said. You're just gonna have to go to find out.... =) Lesson for today: so what if you've got milkshake?! I got a bottomless glass of water. Mary TDWTL 9
The night before Days with the Lord...I still haven't even packed my stuff or bought my eggplant, bananas and lubricant. Yeah. I know. Don't ask me! I'm actually looking forward to it but everyone keeps telling me "Oh you're going to days? Good luck!" so i started thinking, "whatda?!". I have a smidget of an idea what might happen but who knows. I'd rather not expect anything. All the "dazers" are very very sneaky.. But it's all good coz i kinda like the whole surprise thing, im just kinda iffy about some peeps who might trip on me! heheee! PLUS they keep insisting that i bring my swimmers and i SHOUD know how to swim!! I can't swim. Barely doggy paddle. AND I heard that were suppose to eat alot before hand and have our "last meal". OMiGULAY! I get hungry every 3 hours! yeah i know, oink oink. Like i said, s'all good! Bring it on! Eh! I'll probably be the first one to crack! hehee...Sheez OPRAH makes me crack everytime - never fails. But daaaym, i got midterms next week right after. Oh d-d-d-dear. Imma need more "good luck" for that. Oh yeah...update on last night!!! Laurence and Jethro had their audition at Virgin Cafe. ALMOST the whole krew was there which was coo, even Laurence's dad! They had more supporters than the actual performers. So we were there and daym, we see Keith Martin! Yeah. My first reaction was "I can't imagine what could be goin through jet and renz's head!" We waited for them to be called up. Then people started jamming right. It starts off with Thor - pretty good band with Mike Ruis. THEN they get Keith Martin to jam with them. uh oh! THEN Artstrong (who's majorly socially impaired. Lost count how many times he punked me and Sheena off) performed. THEN the girl from Freestyle jammed!! But there's more! In the audience were producers and managers, and even the guy from 17:28 did not even think about going up onstage after that crazy ass line up. Then the next band came up, not bad too and FINALLY(after 2 hours) calls up jet and renz to jam. We were goin buck wild! hehee! It's like the good old K.I.R. days. I was sooo proud of them!! Just a few minor glitches but over all, they were awesome. To make it even more of a trip, Keith Martin came up to back em up on keyboards! wohoo! So yeah it was worth the wait. Now i'm just crossing my fingers that they get approved. I've been so frustrated for them for so long! After we ate bbq chicken and went home. Yay! It's coo that Greg and Cheryle are TRYING to help the guys out tho. I mean despite the "history"...it's scary and awesome at the same time that with life...you never really know. So yeah....wish me luck for tomorrow. Til next time... Lesson for today: Haribo assorted candies...just eat it. Don't bother looking at which one to pick....very very tricky. {Mary}
Just got home from school and yet again it has left me deflated and sluggish. I know, i know, i should be thankful that atleast its productive but dammit, it aint easy. Im actually quite proud of my friend Sheenz who finished her defence with flying colours. That's mah girl! I can't wait when I'm done with school. I had a shitty midterms exam for math today. Spent half the time tryin to pass notes for answers. Thanks Nix! hehee.. But its stange how i had way more harder subjects last sem and i was doin better then, than now when its suppose to be easier... Eh! Enough about me bein a nerd! Last night was my friend Allona's Album launch at Hardrock. I missed it (coz of class =( ) but i saw her after. Ran into mich and "y'knaw" and yeah i gave him mah usual "ya-better-look-afta-mah-girl-or-imma-whoop-your-ass-talk". I dunno if he took it well but he did give me that awkward laugh. hehee. Well, what can i say, im a tad protective. Well, the krew were there at Fridays right after with the new groupies. Yeah ayt ayt, some of them are pretty coo, but some....no comment. ha! Well like i've said many times before, its always good to have new friends around as long as ya dont forget who has been there for you from the beginning. Sometimes people tend to create their own concept of friendship, but oh well, whatever rocks your boat. I just realized that i mentioned "y'knaw" and i bet if mark eva reads this he might be like "whatdfa?!" Well, to be straight up bro, once you let her do her own thing without making her feel bad about it, then that's when she'll start accepting you for doing your own thing without makin you feel bad and vise versa. I just want both you guys to be happy - know what i mean? Well that's a topic i'd rather stay out of but ya, yas both know i love yas =P ANYWAYS! hehee, yeah i sooooo need work right now. I hate being financially paralyzed. Apparently us girls got a gig on the 8th til the 10th of April in Boracay. I sooo hope that its for sure coz im craving to just get away for a while and tan. ha! Sux coz if its till the 10th i got exams so imma be studying on the beach. Booo! Lesson for today: Don't mix fishballs with chocolate. They're both good on their own but not so great together. {Mary}
My first journal entry...naksh! yeee i don't even know why i joined my space. I just like the thought i get to say what ever the fack i want and people can see it. hehee. mwaush!
determined 
flirty 
impressed 
cold 
silly 
accomplished 
sleepy 
productive 
bouncy 
hungry 
awake 
hopeful 
pissed off
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